Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Sad for Sibling

I am trying to cope with some major Mommie guilt after yesterday morning. Kaleigh started Kindergarten Friday of last week.  Austin and I waited with her at the bus stop, she got on the bus and we drove to her school to meet her.  (She would not let me follow the bus, out of the question!)  She is so BRAVE!  She got on no problem and followed all the rules.  WELL DONE!  So PROUD, can you tell? ;)

Yesterday morning, I explained to Kaleigh that I would be driving Austin to school (they go to two separate schools) and I would not be able to meet her at school, was she okay with that?  I told her the teacher would be waiting for her and she could line up just like the other day only Mommie and Austin would not be there.  She said she was fine.  Alright, I thought, she really is a trooper!  I admit, I was still kind of unsure but I had to take Austin to school (he does not get a bus) then take him to his appointment later.  Everything was going well, Kaleigh and I were waiting for the bus and it arrived, just before she got on she said, "Mommie you are coming to meet me at school, right?"  OMG!  My heart fell out of my chest and hit the ground!  My reply "Uh, no baby, remember I told you I cannot meet you this morning because I have to take Austin."  I have this image that flies through my head, remember the Brady Bunch and Jan said "Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!"  Sometimes I think Kaleigh must feel that way about Austin because she does question why I have to take him to speech, tutors and appointments.  Sigh ... this makes me so sad!  I spend a lot of time with her, but I was really not prepared for how this situation made me feel.

When I go to appointments, I can always have Kaleigh with me.  She has always been able to be with me.  Yesterday, there was just no way I could be in two places at once. After she boarded the bus, it was all I could do to fight back the tears.  I kept thinking, she is just a baby!  She is only 5!  SHE NEEDS ME!  I was always there for Austin.  I am always there for Austin now.  I felt like a bad Momma!  I felt so sad for Kaleigh.  She did not cry or anything and followed the routine no problem and had a great day but I still could not shake that sad feeling.

Am I being crazy?  (Alright, try to resist people okay?)  I spend probably more time with Kaleigh than I do Austin (he likes his alone time) and comes and tells you when he wants a cuddle or will just pop up and chat with you, or help in the kitchen.  I feel like somehow Austin's needs and my attention to them is going to backfire.  I reassure both my children how much I love them.  They know, of that I am sure.  Is Austin's autism going to drive a wedge between them?  Is Kaleigh going to resent me, her Dad or Austin?  She questions a lot of things about Austin.  I answer them very simply and say, it is who he is, just like you are who you are.  She never questions that answer.  She is a bright girl.  They are both very smart children.  I am blessed. :)

This morning, Kaleigh did not ask me if I was going to meet her at school as she boarded the bus.  She gave me a kiss, a wave and smile for Grandpa's camera.  It is hard to watch my baby walk up those steps all alone and be so independent.  It is hard to let go!  OH MY!  I had no idea it would be this HARD!  I am so pleased for Kaleigh though, she is starting her own journey and I am grateful to be her Mother! I LOVE YOU Kaleigh!  Momma is SO PROUD of YOU!

All the best! *HUGS*

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Reassurance Brings Relief

Austin went to his appointment this morning.  I am relieved to say that the psychologist does not think there is anything to worry about at this time.  I am very happy to hear that news!

All the best!  *HUGS*

Monday, September 2, 2013

Alien Anxiety

A little while ago I blogged about Austin having nightmares that he thought were real, I took him to his speech pathologist since the psychologist was away and everything gotten straightened out quickly.  Very happy about that!  A little while after that, Austin started to say he believed "aliens lived in the bathroom".  Every time he had to go to the bathroom, I had to stand in there or in the doorway to ensure he was "safe".  This frightened me!  I thought, please, please do not tell me he is starting to have anxiety!  I have struggled with anxiety and it is horrible!

After about of week (not everyday) of waiting in the hallway and bringing Austin out of his room to fall asleep (he believed that the "aliens" were hiding in his room at night), things started to subside.  I had already contacted the psychologist's office and explained the situation when it arose.  (I contacted a friend of mine and she assured me, it would be best to have him seen, just in case.  It never hurts to ask someone who has been down the road before you and has experience with autism.  Thank you for your help, I really appreciate it! OX)  When things seemed to calm down, I contacted the office again and said things were better and could I get an appointment just to make sure everything was fine.  We were placed on a cancellation list and got an appointment, so I booked it.  I have been referred to as a "pro-active parent" (I wonder if that is code for "pain in the butt!), I just do not like to let anything go or dismiss things that I believe might be an issue.

I talked to Austin yesterday about going into see the psychologist to talk to her about the "aliens".  He said told me that was back in June and he was over it.  I asked him if he would still talk about it with her to ensure everything is okay.  He said he would.  Thank goodness!

I will say, I believe he must still have some fear because he does run out of the bathroom in the early evening and at night quickly.  He shuts the door and does not call out or anything but I worry he may not want to admit that he is still a bit anxious.  He seems to have a lot of pride and does not want to be embarrassed either.  I just want him to feel comfortable and be as happy as he can be in every way.

I will post an update after the appointment tomorrow.

All the best!  *HUGS*