I am trying to cope with some major Mommie guilt after yesterday morning. Kaleigh started Kindergarten Friday of last week. Austin and I waited with her at the bus stop, she got on the bus and we drove to her school to meet her. (She would not let me follow the bus, out of the question!) She is so BRAVE! She got on no problem and followed all the rules. WELL DONE! So PROUD, can you tell? ;)
Yesterday morning, I explained to Kaleigh that I would be driving Austin to school (they go to two separate schools) and I would not be able to meet her at school, was she okay with that? I told her the teacher would be waiting for her and she could line up just like the other day only Mommie and Austin would not be there. She said she was fine. Alright, I thought, she really is a trooper! I admit, I was still kind of unsure but I had to take Austin to school (he does not get a bus) then take him to his appointment later. Everything was going well, Kaleigh and I were waiting for the bus and it arrived, just before she got on she said, "Mommie you are coming to meet me at school, right?" OMG! My heart fell out of my chest and hit the ground! My reply "Uh, no baby, remember I told you I cannot meet you this morning because I have to take Austin." I have this image that flies through my head, remember the Brady Bunch and Jan said "Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!" Sometimes I think Kaleigh must feel that way about Austin because she does question why I have to take him to speech, tutors and appointments. Sigh ... this makes me so sad! I spend a lot of time with her, but I was really not prepared for how this situation made me feel.
When I go to appointments, I can always have Kaleigh with me. She has always been able to be with me. Yesterday, there was just no way I could be in two places at once. After she boarded the bus, it was all I could do to fight back the tears. I kept thinking, she is just a baby! She is only 5! SHE NEEDS ME! I was always there for Austin. I am always there for Austin now. I felt like a bad Momma! I felt so sad for Kaleigh. She did not cry or anything and followed the routine no problem and had a great day but I still could not shake that sad feeling.
Am I being crazy? (Alright, try to resist people okay?) I spend probably more time with Kaleigh than I do Austin (he likes his alone time) and comes and tells you when he wants a cuddle or will just pop up and chat with you, or help in the kitchen. I feel like somehow Austin's needs and my attention to them is going to backfire. I reassure both my children how much I love them. They know, of that I am sure. Is Austin's autism going to drive a wedge between them? Is Kaleigh going to resent me, her Dad or Austin? She questions a lot of things about Austin. I answer them very simply and say, it is who he is, just like you are who you are. She never questions that answer. She is a bright girl. They are both very smart children. I am blessed. :)
This morning, Kaleigh did not ask me if I was going to meet her at school as she boarded the bus. She gave me a kiss, a wave and smile for Grandpa's camera. It is hard to watch my baby walk up those steps all alone and be so independent. It is hard to let go! OH MY! I had no idea it would be this HARD! I am so pleased for Kaleigh though, she is starting her own journey and I am grateful to be her Mother! I LOVE YOU Kaleigh! Momma is SO PROUD of YOU!
All the best! *HUGS*